Journalism. We love it. But now we can love it even more! Ever thought of journalism being a sport of its own? Maybe even its own LEAGUE? Well, LOOK NO FURTHER. Rivaling the NFL, NBA, NHL and the literal Olympics is the National Journalism League, presented by the Minnesota State High School League, previously only known for bringing unpopular sports like boys’ volleyball and girls’ flag football to Heights! The only rule is that AI will get you burned at the stake LIVE for other people to laugh at you.
But you may be asking yourself. How does Journalism become a sport? Well, here arethe basics. Starting off, you can choose a topic of course! Be it Sports (ironic, huh?), News, Taste, Feature, CLEAR PROPAGANDA TO ADVANCE YOUR IMAGE OF THE WORLD? It’s all there! Then, you are given a blank story document to write on.
Like the good Journalist you are, you gotta type all of it in a single 20 minute span (which mimics the final 20 minutes of your period before Journalism so you don’t lose any points on your gradebook) AND get quotes from people you have literally never spoken to before in your life and never planned to until you realized they are a human being that has an opinion on stuff and not just a robot wandering the halls trying to take over the school.
Though the sport can get a bit…competitive, that’s fine! Only the occasional hospitalization of a journalist because of fighting to get quotes happens! In fact, it’s very safe (if you have a bulletproof vest)! So, what’re you waiting for? There should be zero hesitation in joining the now-competitive journalism team advised by Polley! If you survive a year of fighting for competitive Journalism, you can apply to be an editor! And if you survive long enough as an editor, you can become Editor-in-Clobbering! Though, a minimum of 33 nationally rated stories are required to become an EIC (which can only be submitted for a 0.01% chance of nationally being rated) after winning 10 battles and getting quotes from 120 people.
But who is the CHAMPION of professional Journalism? Well, it’s of course every writer for The Scallion! They post such true news that they literally CAN’T be debated against! It’s truly an honor to be sitting here with THE Scallion, who is the CEO and the person who reviews every story before publishing them to make sure they fit with his ideals! He has a total of one (1) championship under his belt, and it is undisputed that his way of Journalism is simply the better way for the NJL.
We should all follow his example of asking people very weird questions to get them to say what we want them to, record that audio, and take what we want them to say into a different audio file and manipulate their words. One of the most famous methods of media coverage, after all, is TAKING WHAT PEOPLE SAY OUT OF CONTEXT!
With this new league becoming a reality, we see the best way of doing journalism is to fake it until you make it, literally. Ask stupid questions, fight for your quotes! Be sure to ask the questions no other sane person would want to ask someone, and then make a whole story out of it! With all of these strategies, winning the new NJL battles should be easy as long as you make sure you don’t use AI. We allow fighting, but AI will get you publicly executed here. HAVE FUN!
