News has recently been circulating around the city of Columbia Heights about a local deity terrorizing citizens in local parks. Many reports have been filed to the CHPD (Columbia Heights Police Department) regarding the issue. Reports say that the creature, dubbed “Rundigar Jones” by locals,  is reportedly “attracted to the smell of Pepsi” and claims “Nobody understands me except for Gerard Way.” For those unaware, Gerard Way is the lead singer of popular pop-rock band My Chemical Romance.

In conversation with Ms. Rachel Mann, who wishes to remain anonymous, she disclosed the disturbing and gritty details of her face to face encounter with the mysterious Rundigar Jones.

“I was sitting in Kordiak, drinking a Pepsi to unwind after a long day of school, when all of a sudden, with the low rumbling of “I’m not okay (I promise)” by MCR, it appeared.” Said anonymous (Mann)” I’ve never been so scared in my entire life–not even when none of my students turned in their work!”

Terrifying! I’m literally shaking, anyway after hearing this account I decided there was only one thing to do. I had to go out and catch this creature myself. I ventured out into Kordiak park, where I set up my stake-out. After arriving around 4pm, I set up my speaker at full volume blasting the Spotify made “Emo Vibes” playlist and cracking open a 2 liter of pepsi. Unfortunately, some SNOWFLAKES reported me to the police for “ Disturbing the peace with my loud inappropriate music.” Even with that annoying confrontation, the Rundigar Jones finally appeared around 11pm… This picture is the only known photo in existence.

As you can see, it’s horrifying. Please stay safe, and don’t drink pepsi alone in the park. This is Finn “The Super Awesome Monster Hunter” Knoke Borris signing off. (They really do call me that by the way, just don’t ask anyone about it.)