After months of searching, the Heights Herald finally has a new sports editor! Vaughn Granlund is a junior at Columbia Heights High School and has an extensive background in athletics… wait… what’s that? Oh! This just in: Vaughn Granlund, the sports editor, allegedly knows actually NOTHING about sports.
Here at the Heights Herald, we prioritize journalistic integrity; that’s why we conducted an extensive interview with Mr. Granlund to prove the validity of these claims.
HH: Do you deny these claims that you actually have no knowledge of sports?
Granlund: I deny the claim whole-heartedly, I know everything about sports! In fact, I used to destroy teams back when I played tennis.
When questioned for more information, Granlund specified that the above-discussed teams included: 1. The Highland Elementary kids who would play at recess, 2. His own.
HH: What inspired you to start editing for the Heights Herald?
Granlund: The free drinks in the fridge.
HH: What do you enjoy most about sports?
Granlund: I just like seeing my team win! When the points go up for my team, I feel happy!
HH: What’s your favourite sports moment?
Granlund: I love the tale when the creator of Baseball, Ball Johnson was speaking to his friend after creating the first base. His friend said ‘that’s a nice base, Ball’ and he replied ‘Baseball… heh… I like that name…’
After further fact-checking, it appears this moment never happened. In fact, Ball Johnson never existed at all. When questioned about it Granlund claimed that he “saw it on fox news” therefore “it must be true, they wouldn’t lie.”
HH: Which sport is your personal favorite?
Granlund: Toe Wrestling.
When asked for a description of this strange sport, Granlund stated that “it is private” and he “does not wish to discuss it further.”
HH: Who is your favorite local athlete?
Granlund: Oh definitely our mascot Friday Lee. I wish I could hang out with him personally. I hear about how awesome he is in the hallway. Just the thought of it makes me flustered!
This comment was strange, as Granlund and Lee have been friends since early childhood… but Granlund refused to explain further as he does not “owe anyone his life story” and saying “like seriously man why are you guys so obsessed with me. I know about sports I swear I do! I swear!” before storming out of the room.
